I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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