woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize