The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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