I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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