i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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