dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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