My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
