@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
