between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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