dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
