Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
