my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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