I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
