we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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