the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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