there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
