we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
