I didn't shave. On purpose
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
