i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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