I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
