i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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