i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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