i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
