and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
