haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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