I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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