every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
