Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
