is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
