i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
