Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Randomize
