I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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