i think my mom watched the whole time
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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