I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
