Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
