what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
