yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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