Yo dont text me then not text me
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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