Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
