PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Couch. On fire.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
