Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
