i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
