She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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