I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize