I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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