Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
