I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
