Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
