let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
