I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
