Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
