I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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