When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
As shirtless as possible
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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