hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
