shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
